I don’t have a title for this post

I had a few thoughts that I wanted to share. Part of my reason for sharing is to think publicly. Hopefully someone might comment on the ideas. It is true I have resorted to begging for comments.

(I am joking about this.)

Continuing, I have been desiring to seek God for a new reason. First, I want to say that I don’t know if honest seeking of God for any reason is bad. What do you think?

I have, in the recent past, sought God because I wanted something such as provision or success with my goals. I did this out of the belief that right relationship to God would bring positive things. One thing that I think should be said is that these beliefs and actions were not obvious or outright, but subtle. Seeking for this reason didn't last long. Next, I remember seeking God because I wanted help with something. I wanted something to be fixed within me. I believed that God could do this. This is true, he can fix me. In any case this seeking did not last long either. Now I am trying to seek God with the desire to experience him or to personally know him, knowing that he will fix me as I am obedient to him. It seems that with this way God will work on what he knows needs to be fixed as opposed to what I want fixed.

I am also trying to seek him with the hope that whatever is in me that longs for things such as recognition, love, belonging, value, success, effectiveness, will be truly met in a healthy, productive, joyful, peace inducing way.

I don't want to do other things with the intent of fulfilling my desires and have the side effect be something bad. I heard a sermon by Dan Allender speaking at Mars Hill about how he was embarrassed because his daughter made a mistake at her piano recital. He was embarrassed because he was trying to use his daughter's success to give him a feeling of a high social standing. His daughter at 8 years old knew this at some level. She communicated it by asking, "Dad do you hate me?" This guy didn’t sit down and plan this out. It was all done by the time his daughter shocked him with her question. It all slipped his notice until it was too late. It is amazing that he even recognized it at all.

It seems to me that Abraham had a desire to have a son, and even a desire for God to fulfill his promise, which Abraham believed would happen. However, he acted in a way to fulfill this desire that had a side effect (which is really an understatement.) Not only did it lead to the boy Ishmael being kicked out of the protection and support of the house hold, it also lead, as some believe, to the modern Arab nations and the current conflicts.

I wonder what other more common “side effects” could be avoided by finding the fulfillment of my desires in God instead of other things?

Restored Bodies?

I was listening to a story about scientist that are studying the concept that the human body sends signals other than our five senses to our brains. An example is that some people who become paralyzed feel less emotion after their paralysis then before their paralysis. The idea is that human existence is rooted in the state of having a body. This is such a fascinating idea when it is compared to the idea of a resurrection. I know that some people who believe in the resurrection do not believe in literal resurrected bodies. But this seems that it would make sense for those who believe in literal bodies. It is like God designed people so that their bodies were an integral part of existence. And so he spoke like they will one day have their bodies restored. Perhaps he had some other reasoning but maybe he spoke this way because he knew that people would care, that people would want restored bodies.

Idols Entrap Me

I heard a sermon by the pastor of Mars Hill Seattle. He likened addiction to idolatry. My former notion of idols was giving a greater devotion to something than one give to God. As I understood, he illustrated that it also includes having a relationship with something that you should be having with God. An example of this might be having a relationship with food so that it gives you comfort and security, a relationship that should exist with God instead. This could lead to food addiction, but according to him, it starts with idolatry.

An important thing that he said was that an idol always lies. With food, the feeling is that it will make you happy, fulfill you, comfort you, possibly complete you, but what it does at its extreme is bring obesity, heart disease, guilt, diabetes, and dependance.

I just want to stop and think about which idols are lying to me regularly. Whether or not I act upon them, these lies barrage me. If I don’t identify them outright I become used to them and forget why they are lies.

Lie: If I seek and receive other peoples justification, I will be and feel valuable

Truth: If I seek and receive other peoples justification without self-esteem , I will be left wanting, disappointed

Lie: If I had the right clothes or look, I will feel good, desirable, valuable

Truth: I will be constantly seeking something that doesn’t exist, and be owned by my clothes

Lie: If I make something really great, I will have meaning and purpose

Truth: I will feel nice for a short time and then be exactly where I started

Lie: If I watch such and such show, I will be happy and forget my struggles

Truth: The problems will be right there all along, and there is a better way to address struggles.

Mr. Sandwich

Did you know that the sandwich is named after an English man who lived in the 1700s? I found it in the dictionary. I was looking at the word, as I often do with them in their written form, and I thought, why would anyone name something edible after something that would be so horrendous to chew such as sand? Just image sand in your sandwich. Augh. Well, it is named after a man, who would also be pretty awful to chew, though not as bad for your teeth

Bio-Immortal-ist

“I don’t know what to do,” Owen said to his friend Susan. Susan sipped her coffee and managed a dry, “About what?”

“Have you heard of a bio-immortalist?” Susan didn’t look up so Owen continued. “Well they are people who are trying to find ways to make people immortal. One idea that is really cliche is that when you die these people freeze your brain, head, or body. Then in when the technology is developed, they reanimate you. Don’t you want to be immortal Susan?”

“No”

“Why?”

“First of all it is so creepy. Second, I don’t want some freak of a scientist that I have never met, in some time period that I know nothing about messing around with my body, trying to put my consciousness back into it.”

“It’s called reanimate,” Owen interjected.

“Whatever. I don’t even remotely think that any scientist would be able to do it. But what it worse is, what if they did bring you back? What if they only half brought you back, Owen? What if you came back to be tortured by pain, regret and rejection from a society that you know nothing about? Did you ever think about that?”

“Susan...” Owen whined. “I was getting really excited about it. Why did you have to go and put all of that in my head.” Sob. Sob.

“Okay, I’m sorry Owen, just promise me that you wont sign up for anything without running it by me first. Alright?”

“Yeah,” Owen sniffed. A moment passed. Then, Owen chipper as ever blurted, “Do you want to go make a time capsule for ourselves to find in the year 2100?”

My Hair Story

How God has used black curly hair to save my life.
Well to be honest I am not sure that I can say “to save my life.” I wanted to say it because it sounds more dramatic. Truly, God used my hair to do important things.I was a child people called shy. I called myself socially scared, nervous, timid. I eventually came to think that the term shy was just an acceptable excuse. It was a cover up for a lack of courage. Yes, it was other things too. For me to be called shy also meant that I was socially ill-prepared. I didn’t posses the knowledge or skills to function comfortably around people. Although, I got by. One of the biggest truths that I was totally unaware of was the fact that to make friends I needed to merely talk to people. I had, for many reasons, developed the belief that people were friends with you if you were cool. I thought that if you were cool people would come and talk to you and be your friend.I thought this not directly but I definitely functioned this way. I saw the importance that people put on how I dressed, the kind of school supplies I had, the kind of lunch I brought, the way I acted, and judged how cool I was. If I was cool enough people would be my friend. It is true that nearly all of my friends came to me. I almost never pursued anyone as a friend. I acted with the belief that since I wasn’t popular I must not be cool. I though, “I need to get the things that the popular kids have, so that I can be cool too.” When I brought my lunch to school I was worried that kids would see what I had and tease me. There was nothing odd or bad about my lunch. For one thing, kids would make fun of anything. It really bothered me. It made me feel bad. I learned to do what I could to avoid being made fun of. For another thing, I never had name brand things. The cool kids did. I was worried that this might make people think that I was less cool. My response to all of this was I had a specific way that I ate. I put my lunch bag in front of me. I would stick my hand in and feel around. I would find what I wanted and pull it to the opening but not out. I would open the wrapping and eat from the lunch bag. Another funny thing is that I would assume that the other kids would think something was not cool if I thought it. For example I didn’t like crumpled trash. I was especially repelled by crumpled, used plastic wrap. So I would unwrap my sandwich at the mouth of my lunch sack and push the wrapper in. I would pull the sandwich out and eat it. I would get nervous if a kid looked as if he would see inside my lunch bag. Once a kid looked and saw that I was eating cheesy corn chips. He said, “Can I have some of your Doritos?” I was shocked. These weren’t Doritos they were some off brand. I was amazed that he didn’t make the distinction. (The chips were in a clear bag. I just thought that if someone was eating Doritos they would have be in a Dorito bag.) In high school life was pretty much the same I had a few good friends and that was about it, until I let my hair start to grow.I never had a hair cut that I liked. I never thought that any of my haircuts were cool. I have curly hair. This hair that eventually would be used for great things was initially despised. The reason is that all of the hair cut trends weren’t possible for me. When bowl cuts were cool I couldn’t get one. For the most part I had a generic short hair cut. Once I talked to my mom about it. She offered that I could go to a hair cutting place to get it styled. (My mom always cut my hair up until this point). I was nervous. I felt timid. The lady cut my hair and I enjoyed the experience. I liked my hair cut. I thought that it was cool. This was right before school started. And on the first day of school someone said sarcastically, “Nice haircut. Did you cut it yourself?” That was rough. I felt awful. Well, in high school I decided to grow it long. Naturally my hair began to grow into an afro. Some kids teased me. They threw paper in it and pencils at it, trying to make them stick. I was growing some thicker skin. Some kids gave genuine compliments. I did better at hearing the compliments and ignoring the teasing. I think though, mostly I learned to stop caring. I began to actively not care about being cool. The Lord is great. My longer hair brought perhaps a little popularity. But I didn’t care. At some point my rebellion hit a pinnacle. I chose to fully pursue as uncool of an image as possible. To me I was saying, “In your face cool kids. I wont be rule by you any longer because I don’t care about cool.” I learned to recognize a double standard. The kids who were popular often did things that were very stupid and uncool. Yet they somehow remained popular. This fueled my apathy.I enhanced my afro (by growing it longer and picking it out). I bought plaid clothes from the thrift store. I wore button up shirts, with clip on bow ties, suspenders, and the occasional pocket protector. When I had to get glasses I picked out thick black frames and put decorative white tape in the middle. I had people asking me, “Have you ever tried superglue?” To which I replied, “What? Oh my glasses aren’t broken it is a look I am going for.” The more I rebelled the more popular I became. I tried to be nerdy and people thought that it was cool. (It was funny to me that many adults didn’t get it. I remember one person said to my youth leader, “That poor kid he doesn’t even know that he is dressed like a total nerd.”)At this point I still didn’t have the tools to make friends. But my hair and the rest of my look got people talking to me. Without knowing it I began to practice talking to people. I also began to realize that I can say whatever I want and many times people will just go with it. I had previously thought that people were your friends if you said the right things. I didn’t know what were the right things. I didn’t know that people just talked about anything. You see for me other kids were like the president might be for most people. If you met the president what would you say? You wouldn’t want to say the wrong thing. You might not know the right thing to say. He might seem untouchable. To me other kids were untouchable. When I thought I though this I think that it was because when I would say something it must have not flowed with conversation or something because it seemed that people often ignored me. This contributed to my idea that I had to have the right things to say in order to talk to people.) It wasn’t until probably my junior year that I realized that if I want to be someone’s friend I should just talk to them. When this happened. It was like a flood started. I would joke and talk to people I would have never even looked at before. I became more confident in what I wore. And would wear things like ropes for suspenders. Sometimes my pants would be five sizes too big. And I had many more friends. It wasn’t for years to come that I would learn many other useful tools for talking with people. But God used my hair help me make the first step.

Benjamin

Benjamin was running. And he was a runner. “I don’t like running,” he thought. As he turned a corner, he noticed a gnarly cedar tree off to his right. The hill sloped up to its exposed roots and knobby trunk. The branches spread out in almost every direction. As the branches extended away from the trunk they bent up and down, snaking through the air. “Those branches would make a cool walking stick,” Ben thought. “And the cedar would smell so good. Maybe that’s why I go running, because it distracts me.” Ben sort of knew that he was in the habit of running from things but he wasn’t sure if this was a bad thing or not. “Maybe I just need healing or restoration,” he reasoned. “Maybe I am doing the best thing for myself right now. In the future when I regain my strength... Oh, I said, ‘regain’. What if I never had the strength in the first place, then I am just being a wimp right? I don’t know. I’m not going to think about it right now.” Ben carried a generic MP3 player for times like this. He put the earbuds in and listened to his favorite radio show.

The show was generally a science based show that isolated specific aspects of life and presented a number of stories on the particular theme. Today Ben was learning about memory. The story told of tests that some scientists had performed that showed that the human brain can only juggle a certain amount of ideas at once. The host of the show even went so far as to say tha...

Ben crouched down to retie his shoe and the earbud fell out. He rewound the story and learned that some scientists had performed that... “Wait, too far back,” he thought. The host of the show went so far as to say that the people with fewer options in life do better because their brains can make better decisions, considering that the brain is not required to juggle as many thoughts.

“That’s it,” Ben blurted out. “I need to cut some things out of my life. What can I start with? How about my TV? Yeah... Oh but I don’t want to miss PBS. Maybe I should eat the same thing every night. Or maybe I should stop running. Yeah that is what I’ll do. I don’t even like it anyway. Why do I even run? I need to download more episodes of this show. I should get a better MP3 player to. It is hard to see with this tiny screen.”

Rest with me

I have uncommon amounts of fatigue. When I work more than I should, stretching myself thin, I become weak. At these times I am very susceptible to discouragement, lies, and general bad attitudes. One specific time that I found myself exhausted, I chose to rest. Let me tell what happened.
I was deeply tired, though not overwhelmingly tired. I had short energy. I could easily muster myself up to do things. But I didn’t have a good store of energy. There are times when you push yourself hard knowing that you will recover and be stronger for it. That is not the situation that I was in. I knew that pushing myself to do too many things would tear me down.
So I began to rest. This was very difficult for me. Ideas popped into my head. I remembered tasks that needed to get done. Each of these things came with a strong sense of urgency. “Quick, go sew the button on Jeff’s coat before your forget.”
My rule was that I couldn’t do any of these things. I could watch videos, listen to music or the radio. I could write things down that I needed to remember but I couldn’t do them. Also, if I was able, I would try to just sit there.
I rested this way for about three days. Afterwards I felt refreshed. It is wonderful when resting achieves healing and restoration, but what I didn’t realize what was happening was that I was practicing. The next time anxiety came, I rested on the spot. Later when I couldn’t shut my mind off, I did what I had been practicing and relaxed.
Oh my goodness, I gave myself a sabbath and I didn’t even know it. In resting, I honored God by not overusing resources, I honored God by treating my body in the proper way by giving it needed rest. But what I also did was practiced something that can be used every day. I had thought that a sabbath was so that I could recover from 6 days of physical work with one day of physical rest. What I learned was that at least for me that that one day of total rest could be practice, so that I could rest mentally and emotionally within the other 6 days.

One of the things that kept coming into my mind was a societal notion that I need to work, work, work, bigger, better, faster. It was the idea that I always need to be achieving. I had to force it out of my head. Well to be honest I didn’t force it out of my head. For me believing the truth starts with not believing the lie. I find that if I fight or resist something in my mind it gets stronger. If I say don’t look at such and such, I have a harder time resisting than if I just stop looking altogether. When the lie that I had to be productive all of the time entered my mind, I ignored it. I denied its power over me by not giving it the time of day. Then I just though of something else.
It is an ongoing thing. I need to keep practicing. But I am glad. It is fun to rest when I truly can and it makes resisting discouragement and the like, easier.

Whisper

What is so interesting about the whisper? “Nothing”, some people might say. “It is just talking quietly.” But it isn’t. Whisper and notice that you are not using your vocal chords. Also pay close attention to the back of your mouth, specifically your tongue. Try to whisper without making the back of your mouth smaller.

It is so interesting that you communicate without using your vocal chords. What is also really interesting to experience is whispering in unison with a crowd. It has a soft powerful quality. I find that there are things that are flashy but have little power. There are things that less noticeable but have deep and strong power reserves. There are also things that seem powerful and are, and those that seem weak and are.

One illustration of this is motors. Some motors can spin fast but have no torque. These can be stopped before they get spinning from little more than a hand grab. Other motors don’t spin very quickly but nothing will stop them. They have incredible torque.

The large group whispering in unison was like a quiet engine with a lot of torque. Or it was like a smooth river that could sweep away a house.